Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
You Might Also Like
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
🤣😈🤣
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.