(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”