Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I was just discussing this with my cat
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
This January has 47 Mondays
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?