I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him