[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
You Might Also Like
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it