My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop