Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Meow
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.