I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.