When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
This is my brand.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.