Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
#polloftheday
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.