therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.