ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Happy Star Wars day!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.