Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary