Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
You Might Also Like
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.