No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
“You’d better run, egg!”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
me and the Superbowl rn
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence