If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass