When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Not all heroes wear capes.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together