The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.