A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
just make the entire table out of coaster
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.