My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.