I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body