Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Donkey Kong sommelier
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
You have been warned.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.