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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
dream blunt rotation
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
WTF IS THAT!
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?