Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
giddy up Office Depot
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who