Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy