If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
All set.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .