Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.