Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
This kid is going places
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.