Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
This is my pinned tweet
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”