I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.