My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Go girl power!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Just a bush.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!