Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.