White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.