i now pronounce you bounced.
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
and now we wait
is nasa ok
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Goodnight 🐶
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”