the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.