“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.