I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again