If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.