“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened