Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.