I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce