Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My birthstone is a marshmallow.