Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.