I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.