sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.