My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
You Might Also Like
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine