Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!