People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I drew y’all a little something.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5