Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.