I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
This meeting could have been a cake
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You know…for fall…